I’m just going to start this by saying that Middle Kids were amazing. Find me another front woman who will play her gigs even though she’s 37 weeks pregnant and still absolutely rock it. I will wait.
I can’t believe I am already at gig 15, this is crazy! If you’re still on this wild ride with me then thank you! If you’re new you can go back and read all of the posts from the start here. There are also links on the right side of your screen to ALL of my social media, get involved and tell me what you’d like to see. I’ve also been sitting on a video of me reading fan fiction for a while, if that’s something you want to see let me know below!
Gig 15 was an interesting one. Middle Kids are a band that I had previously missed at festivals and had heard mixed reviews about. Ultimately I made the decision knowing that the 52 Gigs project MUST go on as it’s a part of my goals (which I’ll be providing an update about soon) and because someone else that I knew was going alone and we had decided to go together. Here’s where it gets tricky.
I know how to navigate the anxiety of going to a gig alone, I know how to navigate the anxiety of seeing a friend I haven’t seen for a while, what I had not yet experienced was the anxiety of seeing a friend who I had only ever met a handful of times. To provide some context, this friend was an ex-coworker of mine whom I met at most 3 times. If you just internally shuddered at the thought of that, imagine how I felt.
In all honesty it actually wasn’t too bad. I thought I’d be more anxious about going, I thought I’d hate it until I got there but I was fine. Imagine that! I WAS FINE. Middle Kids however, were much more than fine. I don’t think it will ever cease to amaze me how connected you can feel to a room of strangers in the middle of a gig. That moment where everybody is focussed on the front of the room, singing along, enjoying themselves.
As for their performance? Negative reviews should 100% be ignored, Middle Kids were great. Hannah Joy, lead singer, has such a wonderful and impressive voice. There is something so serene and individual about it that commands attention and understanding. My friend and I called this particular night a sad-girl singalong, which it was because we are indeed sad girls who probably have deep rooted emotional trauma that we aren’t yet ready to deal with, but it was truely an empowering one. Female artists are SO important, females who don’t conform to what society expects. There is nothing I find more empowering than a woman who can stand on stage, be confident within herself, in her own clothes, in her own way, and know that the crowd will love them… I’m practicing this self love by no longer deleting unsuccessful photos and tiktoks but boy is it hard. I dream of being as confident and wonderful as Hannah Joy, G-Flip, Ruby Fields… I know I can do it, I just have to figure out how.
I think this is starting to work though, the whole exposure thing. To not feel anxious the minute I think about going anywhere is amazing, I’m also finding that some of my anxiety is less to do with the gigs/public places and more to do with my own self-worth. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the anxiety is centred around the actual activity, but not always. For example, there are times where I choose not to do things due to not liking myself enough. The dread that comes with these situation can be overwhelming and all-consuming. Take last weekend, one of my best friends birthdays, a winery, bands and DJ’s I love including Crooked Colours, The Jungle Giants, Hayden James and Hot Dub Time Machine. The dread that I felt leading up to this occasion was off the charts, this time it wasn’t because I was going to be in public, but because I felt less-than everyone I was going with. I know this stems from my own self-hatred and I know that it also has to do with not having a great relationship with everyone I was going with. I know I am the only one who can fix this, I have to love myself, I have to find a way.
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